Jacob Mathew

I have decided to venture out in to the street alone, the very next morning I had landed in the US. The couple that was walking their dog early in the morning was quick to spot this new comer in their neighborhood and they did not fail to say the Texan Style Good Morning, “Howdy”. Being a fresher to this culture, I’ve got lost in their greetings. By the time I had gathered myself from the floor and said an Indian style “good morning”, they have covered 50 yards.

From that day onward many Texans threw that same word [or slang] at me when they met me at the street corner, at the shop, office and restaurant. They also had used it’s variants like “How …you do..in?” etc. Finally I came to my senses and I figured out what they are saying. They were asking me a very important question which no Indian have ever asked me when they met me walking early morning in the in the Indian roads. They were asking me “how do I do?” As I was appreciating this warm practice of the people of America to my friends in the US they turned my attention in to a blind side of mine.

“Did they stay back to hear your answer, Jacob?” they enquired. That’s when I realized that not a single person stayed back long enough to hear my response. I’ve tried to recollect all the experiences I have had in the past few days, and they were right. Nobody stayed to listen to my response. They just asked this question without expecting a reply from me.

So I said to myself, what’s the point in asking a good question, if you are not willing to listen to the answer. This is exactly what goes on in our homes also. Young people are very quick to detect the prevailing mood in the house.[Folks, this is no blaming, you guys are so sharp] They will say, “Nobody listens to anybody here any more”, “nobody understands here”. “There’s no fun in this house”. These are excellent diagnosis!, up to the mark!, but what’s the use of such a diagnosis? If we aren’t going to take some concrete steps to change this situation at home, then you are only surviving your family and not improving it. Let us not be mere wieners but let us be home builders.

LOVE IS ALSO SPELLED AS- L-I- S-T-E-N-I-N-G
Bible says in James 1:19 that “everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”. Proverbs 13:15a says “Good understanding wins favor…” The word understanding means to “seek for insights”, to give attention to, think about deeply”. When a parent notices a child listening to them and trying to understand them, then they will know and feel it for sure that their child loves them. At times our parents say and act in a way that totally baffles us. And at times such as that, it is easy to shut them out of our lives and lock the door of emotions. Instead of turning away from our parents, what we need to do is to try and understand them in their current and past contexts. What may be causing them to act the way they do? Better, why do they do what they do? Seeing life from their perspective is a key move, which would bring harmony in the house. Don’t limit it to a parent -child relationship but this will be a powerful communication tool in marriage also. Seeing what the other person sees and hearing what they speak is a crucial step in communication.

Your shoe is like a ship!!
It was in 1997 when I came out of a church service in Bombay, I learnt that someone had stolen my shoes from the church. It was a size 14, very special to me because I could have never purchased them in India and I had it imported from US. My daughter used to say to me “Daddy, your shoes looks like a ship”. Yes, my child it might look like a boat or even like a ship to you but only I can understand how it does it feel not to have one or to have one.

Try to walk in the shoes of your parents!!!!!!
I hope you are familiar with that expression, “walking in someone else’s shoes”…. What is it? How does it feel to be in somebody’s shoes? The first step in understanding your parents is to walk their walk and see how they felt. I encourage you to look carefully at the shoes of your dad or mom [when they are not seeing you]. Look at it with an open heart, ears, and mind. May be it is not shining like yours, or it is torn at places, ugly, the heel is worn out and tilted to one side, inside is dark due to constant use [may be that’s his only shoe]. Look… Look intently at it; listen to every voice that come from your heart, it can tell a million stories and bring hundreds of emotions in to your life.

You can’t look at it without emotions!!!!
“Why is his shoe not shining?” Why can’t he get another pair??????? Keep asking. “May be he never wore any shoes as child, it could also be possible that he never bought a second pair so that I can have the fourth pair and my sister has the fifth pair. And also the recently bought dress shoes to attend my cousin’s wedding.

How do my mom and Dad feel when they see me walking with a glittering shoe? Are they angry?, Proud? Are they happy that they could make yet another sacrifice for me? Walking in their shoes means much more than wearing it or looking at it. It means understanding them in their context, in the light of their fame and shame, in the light of their failures and blunders. As I held that calloused hand of my father, I was reminded about the countless hours that poor saint has worked in a factory to bring food to my table and clothes to my body. His hands have become hard and calloused so that me, his son can have a soft hand to hold a pen, sign papers, shake another hand in dignity, drive a car to minister. My eyes have already started tearing as I just began a little walk in my Dad’s shoe. I have seen him wipe his tears when I thanked the Lord publicly for my parents and remembered their struggles to raise us up and educate us. When my father heard me speak, I believe it was a confirmation to his belief that his son has made some attempts to walk in his shoes.

In seeking to understand our parents, we must be willing to ask few crucial questions and whose answers would provide us with helpful insights about our relationship with our Dad & Mom. May I list few of them for your process?

• Does my father/mother have a good relationship with their parents? Why? Why not?
• What do I know about my Dad/Mom when they were my age? [School, dress, economic situation at home, freedom, any abuse issues due to drinking or violence]
• What kind of job does my father/mother have? What are the problems they might be facing at work?
• How is my father and mother’s relationship? If they are having difficulty, how has it affected my father and mother?
• How is my relationship with my father [or mother]? And how has it affected my life? And the life of my father? [or Mother]
• Does my father have a very outgoing personality or does he keep to himself? How does this affect his relationship with me?
• Does my father/mother have many friends? Why? Why not?